Reflections from a first time Operator

  • Learning Styles

    I recall being taught the concept of learning styles at some point in school. The idea is everyone has a certain learning style that works best for them. The four main learning styles are visual (images, charts, diagrams), auditory (spoken information, podcasts, discussions), reading/writing (engaging with text-based input, writing notes, working with written instructions), and kinesthetic (hands-on experience, physical activity). They aren’t intended to be mutually exclusive and ideally can be combined for best effect.

    When I first learned of the concept, I don’t recall identifying strongly with any style. But in the past few years, I’ve come to really appreciate how much better I learn and retain new information when there’s a visual component. It seems so simple it’s kind of silly, but it’s a pronounced difference for me. If someone can SHOW me something, or draw it, or share a visual, it helps immensely.

    I started to become more aware of it when I was working 5 days a week in the office. Amin and I spent a lot of time chatting through things in each other’s offices and we both had whiteboards on our walls. Amin is a natural teacher and I came to realize how helpful it was for him to draw things on the whiteboard as we were discussing. Having moved to an almost entirely distributed work environment, I’ve had to adjust accordingly. Now, I find I’ll often ask someone to share their screen so I can actually SEE what they are talking about. And if I have any significant planning work, or need to come up the curve on a technical or complex topic, it’s essential I can draw it out or see it in front of me.

    I did a bit of googling on the concept as part of writing this post and there’s a lot of criticism of the Learning Styles concept. Apparently, it might be pseudo-science and the empirical evidence is lacking. I didn’t dig deep enough to validate one way or another nor do I necessarily care. I’ve learned for myself, finding ways to incorporate visuals into conversations has made a meaningful difference and being aware of it has real value to me.

  • Ode to Dog

    Julia, Henry, and I returned to Calgary at the end of last week after a ten-day stint in Toronto and Halifax. Coming home was satisfying for many reasons, and none more important than to see our three-year old Bernedoodle, Frankie. I grew up with family dogs – a Lab named Maisie and a mini goldendoodle named Molly – and always expected at some point we’d add a dog to our family. But I always saw that as a longer-term plan; ideally, we would have kids and bring a dog into the picture once they were older. Fortunately, Julia persuaded (forced) me to join the COVID trend and choose one earlier than I likely would have otherwise. I’m so grateful she did.

    If I reflect on changes that have positively influenced my life in the past few years, finding Frankie is top of that list. In many ways, dog relationships are simple; they love you unconditionally. Their needs are relatively straightforward: play, exercise, food, treats, affection. You always know where you stand with a dog. Yet, their personalities are incredibly nuanced and varied. They can be loving, funny, sad, playful, anxious. Sometimes they can be assholes. Within an hour of getting home and seeing Frankie on Friday, she ate the sandwich off my desk while I went to get a glass of water. And she was very pleased about it.

    For how fun they are, they are also a serious obligation. We travel often and rarely with her because I refuse to put her in a plane cargo hold. That means consistently finding someone to take care of her. We’ve been incredibly fortunate to have a great group of close friends who willingly take her. People often say it takes a village to raise a child and I think that’s sort of true with a dog as well, at least it has been in our case.

    Frankie is such an important part of my life I can’t imagine living without a dog ever again.

  • A key leadership outcome

    A few years ago, one of our functional leaders departed and I was debating my options with a friend and advisor. I could either seek an external hire or consider a stretch promotion for an internal candidate currently leading one of the smaller teams within the function. The internal candidate was doing an excellent job leading her team and we believed she had a lot of potential. We had planned to provide her with more scope of responsibility over time but not on such an accelerated timeline. I was a bit nervous about putting her in the seat. It would be a big increase in demands and challenges.

    In the discussion, my friend focused on one question: “Can she increase the sense of urgency and accountability on the team?” I’ve come back to that question many times since. While there are many important leadership qualities, that’s a good and simple summation of a key desired outcome from putting a strong leader in place.

    I try to remind myself of that question whenever it comes to promotions, new hires, and role changes. I also like to reflect on whether I’m fostering those outcomes across the organization.

  • Systems & Routine

    My favourite form of exercise is running. In addition to the physical health benefits, there’s a tangible mental benefit. It helps me de-stress, regain focus, and spark creative ideas. I regularly connect dots or draw important insights during a run. Not once have I ever regretted the decision to go for a run. Despite all the benefits, committing the time can still be challenging. Particularly as the days become shorter and winter arrives, the invisible barrier grows. It becomes harder to get up early and go out in the dark and cold, or to sacrifice family or social time after the workday, even though I know how important it is.

    A few years ago, I had the realization that I needed a system in place to ensure I would get out and run even when I didn’t want to. That system was a rolling formal race commitment. if I sign up for a race, it takes away the ongoing mental decision making: to run or not? I know if I sign up, I will practice. The motivation isn’t my finish time or to set a new personal record. The motivation is to consistently get out and run.

    Signing up for a race is my way of instituting a system to support my habit and the behavior I’m trying to pursue. Finding systems that aid the behaviors you want can be powerful. Particularly when you’re tired or out of decision-making capital, having healthy systems in place can drive better behaviors. Lately, I’ve been thinking about what other systems I can put in place professionally to reduce the burden of discipline and accountability. I have certain routines I follow, like starting the quarter with a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. And starting each week with a clear list of objectives. If you have any good ones, please do share.

  • Healthy

    For pretty much my entire life, I’ve been fortunate never to suffer any significant injury or have any severe health challenges. Except for a few bouts of COVID, I have rarely been sick if at all over the past few years. Then at the start of October, I caught some type of lingering virus and cold that lasted a few weeks. And right as I was finally recovering and feeling back to myself again, I caught a rough stomach virus that totally debilitated me for several days.

    Since, I’ve been thinking about a quote I heard (or read?) somewhere:

    “Health is a crown the healthy wear but only the sick can see.”

    It really hit home. I hate being sick. It sucks not feeling able to do the things you want to do. And yet it’s so hard not to take feeling healthy for granted, because feeling healthy consumes zero mental energy. I am finally feeling healthy again and trying to remind myself to be grateful for it.

  • Say – Do ratio

    The single most important piece of professional advice I’ve ever received and now regularly offer is to maintain a high “Say-Do” ratio.

    The “Say – Do” ratio refers to the ratio of how consistently your actions match your words. I first learned about the concept at Onex during a Lunch and Learn session with one of the most respected CEOs in the portfolio of businesses at the time, Kirk Hachigan. He had dramatically improved performance at one of their largest companies in a very short period and was a bit of an internal celebrity. His answer to the question “What is the single biggest differentiator you’ve seen across executives you’ve worked with during your career?” was a high Say-Do ratio.

    Though simple, there is immense power in operating with a high Say-Do. Consistently delivering on your stated commitments earns you tremendous respect and trust from your peers. It a) breeds trust, b) boosts credibility, c) encourages accountability, and d) improves team alignment. Leaders with high Say-Do ratios have the added benefit of being perceived as more competent.

    Most people are familiar with the concept. What’s underappreciated is that the power of Say-Do comes from maintaining as near 100% a ratio as possible. The gap between 75% consistency and 98% is dramatic in terms of the signal it sends to your team or organization. I use 98% because I think perfection is unrealistic.

    This concept can and should be taken almost to an extreme. Obviously, if you have committed to your team or boss a delivery date on a big project it’s important to meet it. But it’s the micro interactions that matter in terms of consistently demonstrating high Say-Do and cultivating a reputation for trust and follow through. Did you mention to your boss you’d send them an interesting article and then never deliver? Of course, as a single occurrence that’s no big deal. It happens all the time. But if you can be the type of person who demonstrates near perfect follow-through, it will have a material positive impact on your career. As a leader, demonstrating consistent follow-through helps breed a culture where that becomes the expectation, which has a positive multiplier effect on organizational accountability.

    For how simple it is, it’s difficult to persistently deliver on. There are constant distractions that get in the way of follow through; it takes a heightened awareness and real discipline to deliver.

    As incredibly important as a high Say-Do ratio is professionally, the spirit of it applies equally to your personal life. The quality of your relationships will benefit from being a person who follows through on your word with your friends and family.

    I’ve sometimes heard alternative versions of the same concept. For example, “always be the team member that doesn’t need progress to be checked in on”. That’s a wordy way of saying keep your Say-Do high.

  • Deciding what to read next

    These days, there are far more high-quality movies, TV shows, podcasts, blogs, and books to consume than time allows, which makes filtering important and more challenging. Particularly with books, I often struggle to decide what to read next. If all the options you’re considering are positively reviewed and come strongly recommended, how do you choose? Of the last five books I’ve read, all had a 4.5+ review on Amazon and each was personally recommended by someone I respect. And I easily could have gone without one of them (maybe two).  

    I was reminded this week of a great tip, which is to listen to a short interview or podcast from the author around the time of release. Fortunately, over the past decade, it’s become common practice for authors of popular books to do a tour as a Podcast guest as part of their book launch. Listening to the author provides a helpful sneak peek into the content, as well as a feel for the author, without requiring a significant time investment. If I enjoy the podcast and finish wanting more, it’s a positive indicator I should read the book. If I feel the podcast was enough, I can confidently pass on the book.

  • Scripted Speaking

    I grew up terrified of public speaking. I can recall my throat tightening before having to make a presentation in class and feeling my heart race. These weren’t big public venues. I’m referring to the typical forums for speaking when you’re young: group presentations, drama class, clubs, etc. To combat my anxiety, I would script out the content and memorize it. That way, at least I didn’t have to worry about what to say.

    I think unintentionally, scripting added to my apprehension. If you forget a scripted line, or word, it throws you off entirely. While giving a presentation at the front of a 70-person class in University I forgot one of my lines halfway through and completely froze. After about 5 seconds, which felt much longer, I had to retreat to my desk to recover my script. Once you’ve lost the line, it’s almost impossible to get it back; particularly while your stress levels are rising, and your classmates are all staring at you.

    When I entered the professional world, the nature of my work regularly thrust me into situations where I was forced to speak in uncomfortably large settings or with people who seemed intimidatingly important. Fortunately, it was only ever in reference to content I had either prepared myself or was familiar enough to feel confident speaking to. While still nerve wracking, it helped me build more public speaking confidence and over time I started to ditch scripting.

    Now, if I’m going to speak in front of an audience or in a large group setting, I prefer to be completely unscripted. I like to have a strong handle on the content. And I still prepare. But that might be as simple as reflecting on the takeaways I want the audience to have or the key points I’m trying to convey. There’s a cost to presenting this way. I’ll often forget one or a few of the points I’d ideally have made. Or I’ll word something a bit awkwardly. Or I’ll need to pause for a few seconds to gather my thoughts. But I’m a firm believer that even if you only deliver 75% of what you intended, it’s better to ditch the script.

    When I hear someone give a speech or presentation that is obviously scripted, I find it challenging to stay focused on the content. There is something less authentic about it. Intonation and body language tend to be more muted. If you’re used to scripting or planning out every word of what you’re going to say, I’d encourage you to start cutting back on having a precise script. And like so many skills that are hard to master, you only improve through repetition. It gets significantly easier over time. I still get quite nervous before speaking in front of a large audience, or when the stakes are high, but only to a fraction of the degree when I was younger.

  • Dining in Toronto

    We recently returned to Calgary after spending nearly 6 weeks in Toronto. Despite having been in Calgary for over 6.5 years now, Toronto still feels like home. I had such an enjoyable time catching up with family, friends, and colleagues. The end of August and start of September is the best time to be in Toronto. The evening weather is still warm, patios are still open, and people are enjoying the last taste of summer. This visit was special in that we introduced Henry to so many of the people we care about. My Cousin Rebecca got married and the wedding was a blast. And importantly, we managed to get to my in-law’s cottage on Kennisis Lake for a week, which is one of my favourite places to spend time.

    I live to eat and one of the best parts of being back in Toronto is trying new restaurants. Last year we went a bit crazy going out practically every night and so this visit we tried to be a bit more selective. We ate at: Casa Paco, Conejo Negro, Immigrante, Nobu, and Union.

    Casa Paco stood out relative to the rest. It was an exceptional meal and a place I’m keen to return to. It’s so rare to have a meal that delivers excellence across atmosphere, food, company, and service. Eating there felt like sitting down in a cozy living room, being served by a caring and dedicated master of craft, enjoying consistently delicious food with unique wine to complement, and it was our first meal leaving Henry at home (with his grandparents). I highly recommend making a visit, particularly on Sundays, when they do Paella.

    After enjoying building out a tracker for places we’ve eaten in Calgary, last summer I decided to do the same in Toronto. If you’re interested in seeing my Toronto list, you can take a peak here. And if you have any good recommendations, please share!

  • Mercenary

    I’ve come across an employee a few times that I deem to be a “mercenary”. This is an individual who produces good work but takes an entirely transactional view of their role. Likely, they are misaligned or uncaring about the organization’s broader vision and exclusively care about achieving goals for their own purposes as opposed to accomplishments for the benefit of their team or the company. Importantly, this person may be entirely likeable and easy to work with; this is not the prototypical ‘brilliant jerk’, which is routinely discussed.

    Reconciling what to do about the Mercenary can be extremely challenging. Not only are they seemingly producing high-quality work and accomplishing goals, but they get along well with others. So, what’s the problem? Inevitably, once they no longer perceive sufficient benefit in the transaction, they will leave, and when they do, they will leave behind a Beverly Hills sized walk-in closet of skeletons. If someone is entirely self-interested, they will take every single shortcut to achieve their goals as quickly as possible, often at the expense of longer-term considerations. Over a brief period, this can be misleadingly positive. Many of these minor short-cuts and trade-offs will be hidden, but unfortunately, they will compound over time. And once they are gone, the effort required to clean up the unintentional negative consequences can be material.

    Here is a practical and well-known example:

    • You have a Sales person or executive who realizes that committing to unrealistic deliverables, or embellishing (but not lying) will help her win more. So she does it regularly and closes many deals. Awesome. Fast forward six months, and those customers are now disappointed in what they purchased and end up leaving for a competitor shortly thereafter. And of course, by the time those unhappy customers start surfacing, she’s on to her next gig. It can be tempting to turn a blind eye to the behavior even when you’re aware of it because of the results, but the long-term negative repercussions will certainly come back to bite you.

    Usually, it’s fairly apparent when you have this type of employee on your team. As hard as it can be to reconcile, it’s important to either engage with and develop alignment with them or cut your losses.  

  • Partnership

    Next week, after six and a half years, I will become the sole CEO at Avanti and Amin will transition into a Chair role. I am incredibly fortunate to have the type of partnership, in the truest sense, where we can complete a role transition of this nature and continue to want to work closely together.

    About 9 months ago, my friend launched his own investment firm. In the investment memo, he had a sentence that stuck out to me: “[investment firm] is the only place [partner] and I intend to work for the rest of our careers”. I imagine there’s something satisfying about knowing with certainty you’ve found the last job you want to have in your career. I’m not sure I can say the same. I love working at Avanti and hope to be here for many years, but having only just turned 35, I can’t say with certainty it will be the last role in my career.

    One thing I am certain of is I want to work closely with Amin in some capacity for the rest of my career. I’m grateful for that. It’s not easy to find someone you share a common set of values with and can enjoy working with after many years, including through many highs and lows.

    In many ways, a business partnership resembles a marriage. Aside from Julia, I have spoken with Amin more than anyone else over the past 6.5 years, including family and close friends. Making it a successful partnership has required intention and effort, like all meaningful partnerships.

    I first met Amin in 2011 when we both moved to San Francisco for work. Our respective roommates were mutually connected from school and we became fast friends. I believe the fact that the initial connection was social and we enjoyed spending time together has been important in making the professional partnership work well. If you’re going to spend countless hours working closely together, you must enjoy one another, and you must have a more complete understanding of the person you’re partnered with than the professional picture alone provides. Throughout our time running Avanti, we’ve continued to spend time together socially, which has had compounding benefits to the partnership. And it doesn’t hurt that Amin ended up marrying someone much cooler than he, that Julia and I both very much enjoy as well!

    There are two distinct factors that stick out in terms of making the partnership a success.

    The first factor was investing significant upfront time in preparing for how we would work together. We began the partnership by discussing a set of realistic scenarios that could lead to future conflicts. Some more mundane (e.g., what if I want to hire someone and you don’t like them?) and others more imaginative (e.g., what if the business does ok; not great but not terrible and one of us wants to sell the business and one of us wants to raise growth capital and keep going?). Working through those scenarios when they were hypotheticals enhanced our ability to navigate them when they became a reality. It also provided an understanding of how we might respectively approach and react to situations during times of conflict, and helped elucidate what matters most. Most of the scenarios never surfaced and I’m glad we discussed them, regardless.

    The second is vulnerability-based mutual trust and humility. We both have egos and take pride in our work. And we’re also willing to accept when we’re wrong and receive feedback with an open mind. That is much easier when a deep mutual trust exists. When you know someone is challenging your thinking with the desire to get to a mutually positive outcome, even the most difficult conversations become possible.

    While our roles are changing, I look forward to continuing to work closely with Amin and value the multi-faceted role he will continue to play as a friend, colleague, therapist, mentor, and advisor.

  • Objective performance measures

    One trend I’ve observed over time is high performing employees are particularly drawn to quantifiable and objective measures of performance. That seems intuitive. You sort of expect those who take pride in their work and want to excel at it to want measurable proof as validation. I initially assumed this to be driven by external forces: those who are great want to be able to show they are great and receive the external recognition and validation that comes with that. While there’s probably some truth to that, the desire for objective performance measures goes far beyond. Below are additional reasons I’ve noticed.

    1. Clarifies expectations and accountability. When targets are clear and measurable, there’s less room for misinterpretation between an employee and boss. Great employees want to know what is required to be excellent.

    2. Validation of improvement. Using a measurable performance metric over time can validate you’re consistently getting better. The same way it’s satisfying to set a new best personal best half-marathon time, it’s satisfying to validate you are consistently improving your output at work. That is for intrinsic reasons.

    3. Relative performance. Using consistent, objective measurement ensures a manager is aware of who is performing on a team and who is not. From my experience, it’s extremely frustrating when you have a colleague, or worse a boss, who is performing really poorly and you aren’t sure if anyone else realizes. Having more objective measures provides some relief that poor performance will be surfaced and hopefully addressed.

    4. Facts over feelings. When performance is being measured objectively, there’s less concern that favouritism or feelings are strongly influencing performance outcomes on a team.

    It’s not always possible to quantify success measures in every role. In those cases, the more objective you can make the qualitative measure (e.g., think “SMART” goals), the better.

  • A tough performance situation

    One of the most challenging performance management situations occurs when you have an employee who is genuinely putting forth their best effort but still can’t meet the expectations of the role. These ones hurt. When someone isn’t capable and doesn’t care to put any effort in, it’s easy to act. But when the engagement and caring is high, it’s natural to feel a strong desire and obligation to help.

    Unfortunately, if you’ve exhausted all your training strategies and the capabilities simply aren’t there, at some point you need to accept that allowing an individual to strive for success and not succeed inhibits them from finding an alternative role where they can truly thrive. While true in all challenging employee performance situations, it’s particularly important in these cases to remind yourself of this point.

  • First week of September

    The first week of September, following Labour Day weekend, is one of my favourite weeks of the year. When you’re younger, it’s the first week back to school. You see all your friends and catch up on how the summer went. When you’re in high school you come back and can tell who went through puberty, who changed their look. All very exciting.

    Even as an adult, there seems to be a buzz in the workplace. People have mostly wrapped up vacations and summer travel and are serious about getting back to business. The out of office notifications drop off. The pace and hustle pick up. That type of energy is contagious and has always been a motivator for me. Only one calendar quarter remains in the year and there’s a push to complete any projects or transactions ahead of year end.

    I once made the mistake of booking vacation that extended into the first week of September and learned never to repeat that. It felt like I was missing out on the return, and coming back mid-September felt like I was playing catch up. I missed being around the first week back and have been ever since.

    I thoroughly enjoyed my summer this year and am looking forward to the September return and transition to fall. I hope you are too.

  • Receiving feedback well

    Hopefully, you’re already bought into the concept that feedback makes you a better professional, and you’ve made a practice of seeking it regularly. If so, it’s important to intentionally receive feedback well. If you identify as a strong performer and take pride in your work, even if you genuinely want feedback and believe it will make you better, receiving it well can be challenging and require practice.

    Receiving feedback well means receiving the information without attempting to defend yourself or justify your behavior. If you start to experience the temptation to disagree, try to resist acting on it, particularly when someone first communicates it. It’s important to actively listen and digest (sometimes easier said than done). Acknowledge the feedback and be grateful for it. Importantly, if any part of it resonates with you, make an effort to action it quickly. Demonstrating action is an important part of receiving feedback well.

    I have found receiving feedback regarding something you’re already self-aware about can be particularly difficult. You might already be working on it and receiving known information can be frustrating. But receiving it well pays off. Many managers, particularly junior managers, will struggle to provide explicit feedback regularly. The better you receive it, the more likely and more often you will get it.

    The more senior you are, the more important it is to receive feedback well. If someone has worked up the courage to share with you, the boss, an opportunity and suggestion to improve, make damn sure you receive it well.

  • Staying Grateful

    In May, I flew with two friends from Vancouver to Cancun for a Bachelor party. It was an empty flight – the Dreamliner – and we were fortunate to be e-upgraded to Business and sit in pods. After I sat down, a husband-and-wife couple and two kids got on and sat next to us. Clearly, the father had kept the news that they were flying Business a surprise. The whole family was ecstatic. “Dad!!! Are you kidding me!? I don’t have to sit in the middle seat! You tricked us!” The excitement persisted. This kid crushed about six sodas and was jumping up and down the whole flight with a huge smile on his face. “Dad, do we get to keep the headphones?!” His enthusiasm was contagious. I found myself grinning on the dad’s behalf. It was awesome.

    A close friend came out to visit in the Winter and we went for dinner at one of Calgary’s oldest steakhouses, Caesar’s. He had never tried a tableside Caesar salad, so we ordered one. He was mind blown. “Wow. Best Caesar salad I’ve ever had. Hands down.”. His enthusiasm pumped me up too. It was awesome.

    It’s easy to take things we enjoy for granted when they become a regular experience. Sharing something you enjoy with someone and seeing them experience it for the first time is a great way to re-ignite that feeling of gratitude. I can’t wait to share lots of “firsts” with Henry.

  • Quantifying qualitative questions

    Recently, I heard a podcast tip on the power of quantifying question responses to draw out unreserved opinions. I’ve been selectively testing it out with success.

    Most people at work will gauge feedback using qualitative questions. Something like:

    • How did you like the presentation?
    • Did you find the Q&A helpful?
    • How aligned are you with this objective?
    • Did you have a good 1-2-1 conversation with your new boss?
    • I heard you had a tough client conversation. How did it go?

    Qualitative answers to these questions usually suffice. But the potential for miscommunication exists. Perhaps Raj responds, “he really liked the presentation” and that’s his way of saying it was fine, nothing special. While Carmina responds, “she thought it was solid” and that reflects her highest praise.

    Quantification can help you more accurately uncover their feelings. And everyone is familiar with a 10-point scale. Like this:

    • On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the presentation?
    • On a scale of 1-10, how aligned are you with this objective?
    • I heard you had a tough conversation. On a scale of 1-10, how challenging was it?
    • Etc…

    It’s a simple and effective trick. I find it particularly useful when you’re asking for feedback in a group setting, where there tends to be peer pressure to respond in alignment with the group and to limit verbal explanation. If I ask everyone “are you aligned with this?” I’m likely to get a “yes, I’m aligned” type of response. If I ask everyone to rate their alignment on a scale of 1-10 privately and then share it afterwards, I’ll receive more clarity on their individual feelings. And if you try it out and every response is a 7 or 7.5, follow-on by asking for a new rating out of 10, but 7s and 8s aren’t allowed.

  • M(34) seeking long-form content

    I have a long drive (10+ hours) coming up in the next few weeks and am seeking recommendations for a) podcasts (particularly long-form, 1+ hour format) and b) audio-books.

    Please forward any recommendations to daveowencord@gmail.com! You can’t reply directly to this mailing (for now).

    Thank you!

  • Dump the pleasantries

    Last week I had two people share some pleasantries with me. Words matter and inauthentic pleasantries get thrown around more than they need to. And I am absolutely guilty of having said these phrases myself. They can easily become a habit and take some intention to avoid.

    • “Let’s catch up soon!”

    I bumped into someone unexpectedly in a professional setting (virtual meeting). Someone I have a loose personal relationship with. At the end of the call, as we were wrapping up, they said “Let’s catch up soon”! I’m certain this person doesn’t really have an interest in catching up soon, nor do I really have an interest in finding a new, separate time to catch up with them. So we both smiled and hopped off the call, and I’m sure there will be no related follow up. It was simply a pleasantry… and a bad habit.

    If you aren’t planning to follow through, don’t suggest it. This situation happens often; a common example is bumping into someone on the street or at an event, and they say “So nice to see you! Let’s get together for a catch-up! Bye!” and that is where things end. Worse is when you bump into that same person for the second, third, and fourth times and the same inauthentic offer is repeated.

    You don’t have an obligation to schedule catch up time with someone just because you happen to bump into them. It’s ok to have a nice exchange and leave it there. And if you really, truly, do want to see that person and catch up, that’s great! Follow through.

    • “I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

    Someone requested a 30 minute conversation with me to help them out with something and I happily obliged. After 11 minutes, we had covered all the questions they had. So they said, “Well, I really don’t want to take up too much of your time. Have a great day. Bye.” I couldn’t help but think, actually, you asked for 30 minutes and I accepted and already committed the time to chat with you, so you did in fact want to take up some time. I know he was simply sharing a pleasantry and probably intended to be polite. But it’s also just as easy to say “Alright, I think we’ve covered everything we need to. Have a great day. Bye.”.

    …And maybe noticing both comments is a small step toward becoming a curmudgeon. I hope not!

  • Stew in awkward silence

    Historically, I have felt a strong urge to fill conversational pauses and awkward silences by speaking. I’m not sure if that’s personality specific or human nature in general, but it’s certainly a tendency I’ve had. Over time, I’ve come to appreciate doing so is a sure-fire way to inhibit shy or more reflective individuals from surfacing their thoughts. A common example most people have experienced is having a presentation host pause for Q&A and say “Ok, does anyone have any questions?” and then almost immediately move on, to the detriment of those who were coming around to ask their question.

    It’s even more important to allow for long pauses in one-on-one conversations, where the individual you’re speaking with likely needs even more time before verbalizing their thoughts. The more sensitive or delicate the topic (e.g., compensation, an error, poor performance, etc.), the more important it is to allow for a long enough pause. Ideally, you want to allow for a pause that is long enough it would be genuinely awkward in normal discourse. If it is, you’re probably waiting long enough. The more you practice sitting through these long pauses, the easier it becomes. Through repetition, I now find I have an awareness of a long pause without feeling an urge to fill it.

    If you can make it a habit, you’ll quickly see how powerful it can be. People tend to share a more vulnerable perspective if you create the space for it. And the best part is while it may feel like an eternity, we are probably talking about five to ten seconds. Try to be deliberate about stewing in the awkward silence.

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