I was at an event earlier this year where an older woman (the boss) opened her speech by expressing gratitude to her Associate (the employee) for all the heavy lifting required to organize the event. It was intended to be a sincere thank you. And it mostly was… except, one of her talking points included a sarcastic joke about an error made on one of the printouts. It was meant to be a light tease but it did not land well at all. It came across as mean spirited and you could absolutely tell the employee was offended.
It reminded me of an important lesson my dad taught me a long time ago: in some situations, you need to focus exclusively on the good and ignore the bad. When I was around ten years old, I bought my mom a combo pack of scented perfume from Shoppers (good boy). It was some sort of 5-for-one pack, I think private label brand?, and probably intended for tweenage girls. Not my best gift, but I was young, so good intentions. My mom put it under her bathroom sink and it was never opened, which with the benefit of hindsight of course makes complete sense. But I noticed. And next year on her birthday, I was writing out her card and came to my dad to tell him I had come up with a witty comment to include. Something along the lines of “I hope you like this gift much more than the perfume that’s never been opened”. Fortunately, he pointed out that when you’re celebrating someone (e.g., it’s their birthday), you want to focus exclusively on the good. As simple and silly a story as that is, it really stuck with me.
Adding sarcasm, or a back-handed compliment, or even teasing (if done in poor taste) to a genuine and sincerely intended message will at best water it down. When you’re announcing someone’s promotion, or giving a toast at your friend’s birthday, focus on the good and best parts of that person. Don’t use it as a chance to bring up an issue you might be having with them. It’s not the time or place for that.