Stew in awkward silence

Historically, I have felt a strong urge to fill conversational pauses and awkward silences by speaking. I’m not sure if that’s personality specific or human nature in general, but it’s certainly a tendency I’ve had. Over time, I’ve come to appreciate doing so is a sure-fire way to inhibit shy or more reflective individuals from surfacing their thoughts. A common example most people have experienced is having a presentation host pause for Q&A and say “Ok, does anyone have any questions?” and then almost immediately move on, to the detriment of those who were coming around to ask their question.

It’s even more important to allow for long pauses in one-on-one conversations, where the individual you’re speaking with likely needs even more time before verbalizing their thoughts. The more sensitive or delicate the topic (e.g., compensation, an error, poor performance, etc.), the more important it is to allow for a long enough pause. Ideally, you want to allow for a pause that is long enough it would be genuinely awkward in normal discourse. If it is, you’re probably waiting long enough. The more you practice sitting through these long pauses, the easier it becomes. Through repetition, I now find I have an awareness of a long pause without feeling an urge to fill it.

If you can make it a habit, you’ll quickly see how powerful it can be. People tend to share a more vulnerable perspective if you create the space for it. And the best part is while it may feel like an eternity, we are probably talking about five to ten seconds. Try to be deliberate about stewing in the awkward silence.


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