Over time, leaders tend to make different decisions based on what they care more about: being liked or being respected. It took years and many lived experiences, not all positive, for me to operate more intentionally with respect as the objective. The reality of managing to be respected over being liked is much harder than the concept. At some level, I believe every person – and professional – has a desire to be liked. For some people that desire is naturally very strong and for others it’s more modest. But I believe it’s present in all.

Here are several examples of situations I’ve lived through or have seen firsthand where the desire to be liked can conflict with being respected.

1. You have a direct report that is excellent at their job. You get along with them great. They haven’t yet mastered the role, but they believe they have. They want to be promoted and have made that clear. You really want to support them, even though deep down you know they aren’t ready for a promotion. You promote them anyway. Initially, they are thrilled. Unfortunately, they are set up to fail and you ultimately end up having to fire them, or they become uncomfortable enough and dissatisfied from struggling in the position that they quit. This whole scenario erodes the cultural trust in the organization’s promotions because it’s apparent to others they weren’t ready.
2. Your direct report is fantastic at most things but horrible at public speaking. You’ve built a strong relationship, and they’ve reported to you for years. They are a very sensitive individual. You always give them praise when they do a great job… but you never tell them how bad they are at public speaking. You’re worried it will hurt their feelings. In the short-run, that’s great – no hurt – but over time, their career is limited because they don’t have an opportunity to improve.
3. You have a new, junior employee on your team. They’ve taken the initiative to put together a plan for one of the team’s key initiatives: reducing your product’s shipping times. They are incredibly enthusiastic, and you’re thrilled they are going above and beyond expectations. When they present the plan… it’s awful. It makes no sense and completely misses the mark. You don’t want to dampen their enthusiasm, so you tell them it’s not bad, just needs a few tweaks. Unfortunately, they have the wrong impression and continue working on it despite you knowing it will never be used.

Often, making respect the goal leads to harder conversations and choices in the short-term, but benefits the individual, team, and company in the long run.

A few years ago, one of our functional leaders departed and I was debating my options with a friend and advisor. I could either seek an external hire or consider a stretch promotion for an internal candidate currently leading one of the smaller teams within the function. The internal candidate was doing an excellent job leading her team and we believed she had a lot of potential. We had planned to provide her with more scope of responsibility over time but not on such an accelerated timeline. I was a bit nervous about putting her in the seat. It would be a big increase in demands and challenges.

In the discussion, my friend focused on one question: “Can she increase the sense of urgency and accountability on the team?” I’ve come back to that question many times since. While there are many important leadership qualities, that’s a good and simple summation of a key desired outcome from putting a strong leader in place.

I try to remind myself of that question whenever it comes to promotions, new hires, and role changes. I also like to reflect on whether I’m fostering those outcomes across the organization.

I’ve come across an employee a few times that I deem to be a “mercenary”. This is an individual who produces good work but takes an entirely transactional view of their role. Likely, they are misaligned or uncaring about the organization’s broader vision and exclusively care about achieving goals for their own purposes as opposed to accomplishments for the benefit of their team or the company. Importantly, this person may be entirely likeable and easy to work with; this is not the prototypical ‘brilliant jerk’, which is routinely discussed.

Reconciling what to do about the Mercenary can be extremely challenging. Not only are they seemingly producing high-quality work and accomplishing goals, but they get along well with others. So, what’s the problem? Inevitably, once they no longer perceive sufficient benefit in the transaction, they will leave, and when they do, they will leave behind a Beverly Hills sized walk-in closet of skeletons. If someone is entirely self-interested, they will take every single shortcut to achieve their goals as quickly as possible, often at the expense of longer-term considerations. Over a brief period, this can be misleadingly positive. Many of these minor short-cuts and trade-offs will be hidden, but unfortunately, they will compound over time. And once they are gone, the effort required to clean up the unintentional negative consequences can be material.

Here is a practical and well-known example:

• You have a Sales person or executive who realizes that committing to unrealistic deliverables, or embellishing (but not lying) will help her win more. So she does it regularly and closes many deals. Awesome. Fast forward six months, and those customers are now disappointed in what they purchased and end up leaving for a competitor shortly thereafter. And of course, by the time those unhappy customers start surfacing, she’s on to her next gig. It can be tempting to turn a blind eye to the behavior even when you’re aware of it because of the results, but the long-term negative repercussions will certainly come back to bite you.

Usually, it’s fairly apparent when you have this type of employee on your team. As hard as it can be to reconcile, it’s important to either engage with and develop alignment with them or cut your losses.