Over time, leaders tend to make different decisions based on what they care more about: being liked or being respected. It took years and many lived experiences, not all positive, for me to operate more intentionally with respect as the objective. The reality of managing to be respected over being liked is much harder than the concept. At some level, I believe every person – and professional – has a desire to be liked. For some people that desire is naturally very strong and for others it’s more modest. But I believe it’s present in all.
Here are several examples of situations I’ve lived through or have seen firsthand where the desire to be liked can conflict with being respected.
- You have a direct report that is excellent at their job. You get along with them great. They haven’t yet mastered the role, but they believe they have. They want to be promoted and have made that clear. You really want to support them, even though deep down you know they aren’t ready for a promotion. You promote them anyway. Initially, they are thrilled. Unfortunately, they are set up to fail and you ultimately end up having to fire them, or they become uncomfortable enough and dissatisfied from struggling in the position that they quit. This whole scenario erodes the cultural trust in the organization’s promotions because it’s apparent to others they weren’t ready.
- Your direct report is fantastic at most things but horrible at public speaking. You’ve built a strong relationship, and they’ve reported to you for years. They are a very sensitive individual. You always give them praise when they do a great job… but you never tell them how bad they are at public speaking. You’re worried it will hurt their feelings. In the short-run, that’s great – no hurt – but over time, their career is limited because they don’t have an opportunity to improve.
- You have a new, junior employee on your team. They’ve taken the initiative to put together a plan for one of the team’s key initiatives: reducing your product’s shipping times. They are incredibly enthusiastic, and you’re thrilled they are going above and beyond expectations. When they present the plan… it’s awful. It makes no sense and completely misses the mark. You don’t want to dampen their enthusiasm, so you tell them it’s not bad, just needs a few tweaks. Unfortunately, they have the wrong impression and continue working on it despite you knowing it will never be used.
Often, making respect the goal leads to harder conversations and choices in the short-term, but benefits the individual, team, and company in the long run.